Based on your comments from last week's giveaway post, you guys really like New Boss. Maybe you like her more than me. But you know what? These days, I'm not a huge NB fan. And this is why: she is ca-razy. And possibly bi-polar.
So we'll call this installment of The NB Diaries the catch-up chapter and I'll fill you in on what's been going on around here. Sigh...I just don't even know where to start.
Sir Coughs A Lot does not work in our department, but he does sit in a row of cubes right next to ours. He's actually 2 rows away from me, but practically right outside of NB's office door. He earned his nickname earlier this summer when he got a bit of a cough. Guys, this was not just any old cough. It was naaasty. And loud. And I was concerned his lung was laying on his desk after a few coughing fits. When the cough reached its peak, Sir Coughs A Lot did take 3 days off work. He's been back for a while and there's still the occasional lingering cough, but nothing nearly as bad as it was.
Example of craziness number one: instead of moaning and groaning to herself like the rest of us about the ongoing coughing and rejoicing when he finally took the days off, NB actually crouched down below his cube wall and recorded the cough on her cell phone. Then she called Human Resources and proceeded to play the cough over the phone for them to hear. Yes. Yes, she did. She then asked what HR could do about the situation, to which they replied that she may politely offer him a cough drop if she'd like, but that no, they would not ask him to leave or quarantine him to a room like she suggested.
Since HR didn't come through for her, she actually called me into her office one day and told me she had a special project for me to work on. The project? Figure out a way to get Sir Coughs A Lot to stop coughing. My response? "Um, I'm not going to do your dirty work for you. It doesn't bother me that much."
June 30 was the fiscal year-end for our company, which meant lots of work to be done by us accountants. And since my best friend coworker left (he's asked to be called Pi), we're shorthanded, and that means even more work to be done. And the way it works around here, we spend three weeks closing the books for the year and then our auditors show up the fourth week. You could call it stressful.
NB has taken the normal amount of stress and bumped it up a notch or two. She worried so much over the auditors coming that she was losing sleep and couldn't form coherent sentences. And then she decided to take her stress out on us. She wasted no time in bringing all 4 females in my group to tears, each at different times. She called me rude and my manager a liar. She asked my coworker to figure out a way to laugh quieter. And she began a meeting with this introduction: "Sit down, shut up. Don't say anything. And when I'm done, you can just leave."
Needless to say, that didn't go over well.
One day, my supervisor, manager, and I were all sitting in NB's office discussing some issues we were having with one of our systems. I was giving a status update on where we were in terms of correcting a lot of issues that were out of our hands. I told them about the conference call I'd had that morning and what IT was in the process of working on. Progress was being made, but we all agreed that it was way too close to crunch time and that we needed this resolved soon. NB suggested that we contact someone higher up in IT to make sure it's on their radar and to have them pressure their team into getting everything done.
NB: Do any of you know Head of IT? Manager: Well, we know who he is. Me: I've been in a meeting with him before. He's pretty nice. NB: And he's really cute too, isn't he???!! Us: silence
NB: Okay, I guess I can just give him a call and see if we can meet with him to discuss this, it's just that... NB: uncontrollable giggling NB: ...I had to call him one day last week about something and I didn't know how to answer his questions and it just made me look stupid! NB: more giggling
As she giggled, the three of us looked at each other, totally confused about what was going on. Why was she blushing?
So she picked up the phone to give Head of IT a call, and y'all, it was like a 12-year-old school girl on the phone with her first crush for the first time ever. She could not complete a sentence. She repeated herself over and over. Her face was bright red and she kept spinning her chair and fidgeting. The giggling was so awkward it made us embarrassed for her.
She hung up the phone with a sigh and then turned and looked at us. I'd be willing to bet all three of us were wide-eyed, mouths agape. What in the world had just happened?
She totally forgot to set up a meeting with him, the whole purpose of the phone call. And that's when we realized that NB had a crush on the Head of IT.
We're a few weeks into our audit now, and so far, things have gone pretty smoothly. Thankfully, that means NB is starting to loosen up and isn't so tense every minute of the day. Yesterday she caught me at the filing cabinets and was in the mood to chit-chat. We discussed the condo she just bought and how they were getting ready to move (don't worry, we'll still be neighbors; they're just downsizing). I asked if she'd be having a huge yard sale or something to get rid of things and yadda, yadda, yadda. Before I knew it, we were talking about their current living situation.
They live in a four bedroom house. One room is upstairs, but they don't go up there. One room is her husband's music collection where he stores his thousands of cds. The ones that are organized are alphabetized, but there are hundreds that he's pulled out to listen to and are just laying around in piles. There's a guest bedroom downstairs and then the last room is their master. Kiki, her oldest cat, is in poor health, and because of that, she gets to have private time in the guest room by herself. NB sleeps in the guest room with Kiki because Kiki needs attention. That's why NB sometimes comes to work in a bad mood - because Kiki wakes her up all night long and so she has to pet her and doesn't get any sleep.
In the master bedroom is a king bed and two cats get to sleep on it. Just the two cats.
Me: Wait, so no people sleep in your master bedroom? NB: Non-human persons sleep in there. Me: Right. So, like I said, no people sleep in the king-size bed in your master bedroom. NB: No, no people. Me: So where does your husband sleep? NB: On the couch with Lilly. Me: Lilly? NB: She's the fourth cat. Me: You make your husband sleep on the couch with a cat? NB: He loves it. It's important to him that she's happy, just like it's important to me that Kiki gets the attention she needs during her last days.
The new condo just has two bedrooms. The second bedroom will be set up as a guest room for Kiki, and two cats will still sleep in the master bedroom. Her husband and Lilly will sleep on the couch in the den, where all the thousands of cds are stored. And the Prince paraphernalia that she collects? It will all fit in a box that can slide under the master bed. Well, all of it except the two life-size cardboard cutouts.
My team at work consists of all salaried accountants. We work hard and when there's lots to do, we work even harder. A lot of days, especially during year-end close and audit season, we eat our lunch at our desk and continue working. To reward ourselves for working hard all week, we have Friday Fundays where we all go eat lunch together and get out of the office for an hour.
NB doesn't like this. She panics when we're gone. She's terrified that something major will happen on a Friday between the hour of 12 and 1 and then what would she do?! So, now we have to ask permission to go to lunch. And not just on Fridays, everyday. And if we haven't gotten all the work done that she wants us to get done, then we can get something from the vending machines because "that's what they're there for."
Today, two of these signs appeared on the walls.
I'm pretty sure I know who hung them up.
That should get you caught up. I'll try write another chapter soon.