The NB Diaries: Chapter 5

Remember the email I received back in Chapter 3? The email that said I should consider my answer carefully before deciding which character from Office Space NB resembles the most? Well, I kinda forgot about the email. She sent it on a Saturday afternoon but I didn't see it until last Monday morning. If you'll remember, my coworker that can quote all of the movie was out of town for the week. Because I thought my job could be on the line, I decided I would wait on him to return so he could help me decide on the best character. But then I forgot about the email.

My coworker has been back at work since last Monday and I completely forgot about the email until yesterday (Thursday). And do you know the only reason I remembered it? Because Coworker was in NB's office and she told him she was mad at me for not responding to her email! She even pulled the email up for him to see. How could I have forgotten to show him?!?!

So he and I put our heads together and decided which character she is the most like.

To: NB@newboss.com From: Lucy@workemailaddress.com Date: Thursday, 4:51pm

Subject: RE: Lucy, clarification is needed.

Two words: Michael Bolton.

Link to YouTube Video.

Lucy work phone #

The response was waiting in my Inbox when I arrived at work today.

To: Lucy@workemailaddress.com From: NB@newboss.com Date: Thursday, 8:01pm

Subject: RE: Lucy, clarification is needed.

I rap way better than he does!

New Boss

Home address Personal cell number Home phone number newboss@newboss.com

So, not really a very exciting response and I still have my job, so maybe it wasn't worth worrying over. She did include all of her personal information - including another email address - at the end of the email, which is weird in itself, but here's the real interesting part...

We're neighbors!

The NB Diaries: Chapter 4

One thing about NB that I've noticed since she started here a couple of months ago is that she has not done any decorating in her office at all. She has not done one thing, other than the erasers that sit by her keyboard, to personalize the space and make it her own. There are no pictures, no favorite quotes, no candy jar, notta. Her predecessor had tons and tons of family photos, some in frames on the wall, some in frames on the shelves, etc. But NB doesn't have anything. Her office is an interior office so there are no windows. Just 3 very blank walls (the 4th wall has the door). So you can imagine, then, as I walked by her empty office a few minutes ago, how quickly I noticed the one small picture hanging on her wall. It caught my eye and caused me to do a double-take.  She must have just hung it today. Of course I had to go in and get a closer look.

And then I immediately ran back to my desk to get my camera phone.

After making sure the coast was clear, I stepped into her office to snap a photo of the picture.

Oh, what's that? You say you can't read it?

Lucky for you, I went in even farther for a better shot.

Can someone please explain this to me? Of all things she could have possibly chosen to hang in her office, why this?! It's a little too high to be eye-level when she's sitting down, and it's not even centered on the wall or above anything. It's just floating all by itself a little up and to the left of her computer screen. Why?

The NB Diaries: Chapter 3

Chapter One: hereChapter Two: here

Last Friday afternoon, NB wandered over to my cube less than an hour before quittin' time. She seemed excited that the Bigger Boss and Even Bigger Boss had already left for the afternoon and that she could stop thinking and just count down the minutes until the weekend. My brain had already started wandering to the sunshiny weather outside, so I was just glad she wasn't bringing me a project. She sat down in my cubicle guest chair and we got to chit-chatting about flowers, and plants, and who knows what else when we were suddenly interrupted by my coworker in the next cube over.

Coworker: O0h, NB, I bet you know that song! Me and NB: Huh? What? What are you talking about? Coworker: Do you know that song that Other Coworker is singing? NB: What song? Coworker: You know, the apple bottom song. NB: Of course I know that song! Who do you think I am?

NB (singing): Shawty got low, low, low...the baggy sweatpants and the reeboks with the strap, she turned around and GAVE THAT BIG BOOTY A SMACK...she hit the flo', next thing you know, shawty got low, low, low...

We were laughing hysterically. Other Coworker was not around for the first rap episode, so she had no idea this was coming. But none of us realized how LOUD she was going to get!

Me: Oh my gosh! How do you know all of this music? NB: Well sometimes I have to google the lyrics and then I have to practice. Me: Do you rap in your car? NB: I don't have a very long commute to work, but yes, I rap in my car. Me and Coworkers: Office Space!! You're the guy from Office Space!

We continue on for a few minutes about how she is totally the guy from Office Space and we are completely cracking up.

NB: What is Office Space? Me: What?! You've never seen Office Space?? Anyone who works in a building with cubicles has to see Office Space. Why do you think we have all these TPS Reports?

So we end up leaving for the afternoon still smiling about all the Office Space scenes we've just reenacted and in the back of my head, I have a feeling I know what NB would be doing over the weekend.

Fast forward to this morning, when I find this little gem in my inbox:

To: lucy@workemailaddress.com From: NB@newboss.com (YES - first name [at] firstnamelastname - her personal email address) Date: Saturday, 4:09pm

Subject: Lucy, clarification is needed.

I've been watching clips from the movie Office Space. Yesterday you compared my presence in the cubicles to that movie.

Which character do I remind you of?

Consider your answer carefully.

Love,

NB

P.S. Have a nice day!

Crap! It's probably been over 3 years since I have actually seen the movie in its entirety and the one Coworker that can recite every line from it is on vacation this week. Readers, help! Which character is she? We were originally thinking the guy that raps in his car in the opening credits, but he's also the PC Load Letter guy. Is that the best fit? What do you think? My job could be riding on this...

The NB Diaries: Chapter Two

Don't know who NB is? You can read Chapter One here. This morning, my work phone rang and NB's name was glowing on the caller ID. She asked if I had a few minutes to come to her office to talk with her.

I sat down in her office with my pen and paper and prepared myself for whatever she was about to say. I still can't read her; I didn't know if this was going to be a good talk or a bad talk.

NB: I was wondering if you could do something for me. Me: Okay. NB: I like to look at pictures. I'm a very visual learner and it really helps me learn if I can look at pictures. Even things like T-accounts help me. Me: Um, okay. NB: Would you draw me a picture? Me: Ummmmmm. NB: I just don't really understand yet the process of the Big Report We Prepare Daily. I think a picture of the process could help me understand it. Me: Oh. Okay.  So you want, like, a hand-drawn picture? **I start getting a little nervous. She's very OCD. What if my drawing isn't good enough? What if my lines aren't straight?** NB: Yes, you can draw it by hand if you want. Let's meet again at 2pm to go over it, so just make it as good as you can in that amount of time.

So, off I went, back to my little cubicle to start drawing my picture.  I decided to sketch it out by hand and then use Microsoft Visio to put it on the computer and make it look better. I spent a lot of time formatting and lining things up. I let a coworker read over it to make sure I didn't leave out any steps in the Big Report We Prepare Daily process.

Two o'clock rolled around so I grabbed my picture and headed to her office. When I handed it to her, her first response was, "Wow. You have OCD."

Me: No, you're the OCD one.

I was in her office about an hour or so going over the Big Report We Prepare Daily process. It's a long process, and pretty involved. It's not bad if everything runs smoothly, but there are a lot of opportunities for something to go wrong. And we have to go through it everyday.

We spent a quite a bit of time working on one area in particular. I was trying to explain to her why we have to manually correct things and how we can't just correct them on the front end.

Me: Everyone in the company has access to this and can change it. That's why there are so many mistakes. NB: Am I the only one that sees this as a huge problem? Me: Oh, no. Not at all. This is one of my biggest pet peeves at work. It can get me fired up in no time. NB: So have you tried to do anything to change it? Me: It's been a project on my list of things to do for two years now. A lot of it is just out of my hands. NB: Maybe since I'm the newbie I can bug some people and get some answers. Me: I think that would be great. Any help you'd be able to get on this would be awesome, and very much appreciated. **We spend a few more minutes talking about all the different ways errors can occur on this subject. I do a lot of explaining.** NB: Well, it sounds like this is something that might take a good bit of time to get resolved. I'm just going to write myself a note to remember all of this and that you and I are going to work on it. **She puts down the red pen she'd been writing with and fumbles through the container of pens on her desk.** NB: This is important and I don't want to forget so I'm going to write it in green.

And so she put her head down and scribbled out a note on her pad of paper. Then she read it aloud to me.

NB: Lucy and NB kick asses and take names. We will get what we want.

And then we went back to talking about my picture.

The NB Diaries: Chapter One

Preface: This blog was created with the intentions of being a life journal, not a medium for talking about people. The person the story below is about is someone I actually like a lot and would never want to intentionally hurt her feelings. That said, some of her eccentricities make for good stories, and good stories should be shared. I have a new boss at work. I believe this is her fourth week here. I don't report directly to her - there are two levels between us - but she's still my new boss (NB).   After her first week my first impression was that she is an accountant in every sense of the word. Quiet, stays in office a lot, head down working all day.  All we'd been told before she started was that she used to work for the [Local Paper] but most recently had done some pro bono accounting work for the [Local Theology School] (that her brother apparently runs).  As far as her personal appearance goes - she's a tall, slender white woman, doesn't wear make up, has short chin-level brown, almost greying hair, and very manicured hands (not with polish, but very nice cuticles). I would guess she's about my mom's age...somewhere in her fifties. I assumed (incorrectly) that she'd probably been married for years, had grown kids, and loved spending time spoiling her grandchildren. I was told later that she does not have kids.   My work group and I try to go out to eat every Friday. (Friday Funday!) Her first week we decided to be nice and invite her to tag along. She politely declined; we figured she just wasn't quite ready to spend an hour with our very loud, close-knit group. When we invited her again on her second week, and she declined again, we found out that she's a vegan. Fruits, veggies, cereal (no milk), and peanut butter sandwiches...that's it. Meh, not too weird. We have a vegetarian in our group so we're used to avoiding places like The Barbecue Shop.   Moving on.   Last week, as she was bringing me some reports she'd signed off on, she asked me if I was in the witness protection program. I assume she asked because I have both my maiden-name and married-name nameplates on my cube. I told her I wasn't but I don't think she was convinced. She went on to tell me about how at one of her old jobs she had to fire someone immediately and then later found out that that person had been in the witness protection program because she'd been shot in the head by someone in a gang. Not really sure how to respond to something like that, I jokingly said, "So are you in the witness protection program now since you fired someone in the witness protection program?" The answer was no.  But then after I tried again to convince her that I had just gotten married and that's why the two names, she went on to tell me that she just got married on her lunch break one day. She didn't take his name, they'd lived together for years beforehand, and they only got married so he could have health insurance.   The next day found her back in the middle of all our cubicles and somehow we got to talking about our ten-keys. Ten-keys are important to accountants, you know. NB told us about the time she took her ten-key from her place of employment with her when she left. My coworker jokingly referred to his ten-key as "Victor" because that's the brand that it is and it's clearly written across the screen.   NB: You name your ten-key!?!? Coworker: Um no, that's the brand. NB: My phone has a name. Me: Really? What's your phone's name? NB: I don't tell anybody its name. Me: Does your husband know its name? NB: No. Me: What's the point of naming your phone if you can't say the name? NB: Because I sleep with my phone and I talk to her. **Quickly slaps hand over mouth as she just realized she said "her."** Coworkers: Aaaahhhh...so it's a girl phone! NB: I didn't mean to say that! Me: So, when you say you sleep with your phone, you mean you put it on the bedside table, right? NB: No, she's in the bed. Me: You put your phone in the bed with you? NB: Well, let's just say her name is Jane. Her name is not Jane, that's just an example. I tuck Jane under my pillow at night and then when the alarm goes off I pull my phone out from under the pillow and say "Thanks, Jane, for waking me up today."   So, there's that. Then fast-forward to Tuesday of this week.   Once again, NB was back in our row of cubicles returning some reports. She had attached a sticky note to the report requesting a change to a format because she's OCD. I commented that I consider myself OCD about that kind of stuff too but I hadn't even noticed it. But she said she's reeeeallly OCD, and did we "wanna come see her eraser collection?" Um, yes. We absolutely wanted to see this collection. So all five of us got up and followed her to her office where she proceeded to show us all of her erasers.   When she accepted the position at our office, she decided to treat herself to a present and bought three Pearl erasers. The Pink Pearl is the original accounting eraser. Then they introduced the White Pearl, which is latex free, and now they've come out with the Black Pearl, just for fun. These three erasers are not to be used. Next were a few off-brand erasers, including one that had its own little case. There was a click pen eraser that she uses occasionally. And then we got to see her favorite eraser - The Magic Rub eraser. One was in pristine condition - it had never been used since it was part of the collection. But then she showed us other Magic Rub erasers that she has used. She's got one in her desk, one in her purse, one in her briefcase, and they're all over her house.   Me: So what else do you collect? NB: Oh gosh, lots of things. Me: Ok, then what's your biggest collection? NB: Probably things related to Prince. Me: As in Prince, the artist? (Conversation continues about how he's her favorite, she's got tons of collector's items, but now she only allows herself to buy one copy of each album.) NB: I also have a lot of concert ticket stubs. Me: You keep your concert tickets? NB: Yes, I have over 150. Me: So who have you seen in {City We Live In]? NB: I saw Eric Clapton recently. And (insert random band here) at the [Local Bar]. (Insert a few more randoms.) I went to the Justin Timberlake concert. Oh, and I saw Lil Wayne. Me and Coworkers: You saw Lil Wayne?!?! NB: Yes. Me: So you like Lil Wayne? NB: Yes, I found out about him through that Lollipop song. I like it. Me: Did your husband go with you to the concert? NB: No, he doesn't really like Lil Wayne. My nephew asked to go with me so I took him. Me: So it was just you and your nephew at the Lil Wayne concert? NB: Yes, and I think I really embarrassed him. I knew we were going to be walking a lot so I wore my big tennis shoes and they're not very cool. And I had to wear my fat pants that day because they're capris but they come up really, really high. And since I figured it'd be hot I wore a moisture-wicking shirt, except that it's a little short so it showed my fat pants. And I think people laughed at us. Me and Coworkers: Woooooow. NB: I like T. Pain too. I really like that I'm On A Boat song.    

And then, after we pull ourselves together and get ready to leave her office, NB, sitting behind her desk with all of her erasers displayed in front of her, busted out with:   Don't you compare me cause there ain't nobody near me They don't see me, but they hear me They don't feel me, but they fear me I'm illie.   A Lil Wayne rap.   I think it's safe to say things have gotten a little bit more interesting at my work.